What does Bipolar look like?

People are always in shock when I tell them I am Bipolar. They usually say something like “Oh wow I had no idea!” or “Oh wow, you seem so normal!” My question is, what does Bipolar look like? I know a lot of people do not take the right medications or any at all and their emotions are up & down, or they fly off the handle at a moments notice. Maybe they are really happy and then suddenly get upset about something. Is that Bipolar? I know a lot of people who ride an emotional roller coaster and a lot more people that fly off the handle sometimes. I also know that certain things can trigger a change in attitude quickly. You don’t have to be Bipolar to have these tendencies.

I’m not trying to say Bipolar is not serious. I’m just trying to point out that we look like everyone else. We do not look any different on the outside and we don’t want to be treated like we have a mental disorder. For me, it is an inward struggle. I get cranky, really cranky. I also get depressed, really depressed. Sometimes these feelings are seen by others, but I try to keep them to myself. Most of the time, only those close to me know when I’m struggling. I take 6 pills per day, just for Bipolar. SIX! I take those pills so I can lead a more normal life. I take them so I will not have this inner struggle 24 hours per day. I take them so that those close to me can handle my emotions and ups & downs with me. I do still struggle. Sometimes I get really cranky and anxious or depressed before it’s time for my next dose. Sometimes the medications don’t work at all and I have to take an extra dose. Sometimes I feel so bad that nothing works, except going to bed.

I lived for years without medication. I self medicated with drugs & alcohol, but once I got older and had responsibilities, things changed. I learned I need medication to feel better. I can’t stay stoned or drunk all the time. It took me a long time to get used to the pills and stop self medicating. Every now and then, I’ll skip a dose and drink a bottle of wine still to this day. I know it’s not good for me, but I have that inward struggle that tells me I’ll feel so much better. It does work. I do feel better, but only for the night. The next day or two, I have more problems than just a hangover. I’m depressed and cranky. I don’t feel like having fun or smiling. It’s not good for my emotions, but I do it anyways because it makes me feel better. For one night, all my feelings are gone. My attitude is better and nothing can upset me. Everyone loves me when I’m drunk.

If you have Bipolar, I encourage you to get on medication. Not everyone has to take 6 pills like I do, but even if you do, it’s worth it. Living a more normal life has its perks. You get to smile more often. Crying feels better. Your body feels better. The best part is when you see the shock on someone’s face when you tell them “I’m Bipolar.” Then you can laugh to yourself and ask that question. What does Bipolar look like?