What does Bipolar look like?

People are always in shock when I tell them I am Bipolar. They usually say something like “Oh wow I had no idea!” or “Oh wow, you seem so normal!” My question is, what does Bipolar look like? I know a lot of people do not take the right medications or any at all and their emotions are up & down, or they fly off the handle at a moments notice. Maybe they are really happy and then suddenly get upset about something. Is that Bipolar? I know a lot of people who ride an emotional roller coaster and a lot more people that fly off the handle sometimes. I also know that certain things can trigger a change in attitude quickly. You don’t have to be Bipolar to have these tendencies.

I’m not trying to say Bipolar is not serious. I’m just trying to point out that we look like everyone else. We do not look any different on the outside and we don’t want to be treated like we have a mental disorder. For me, it is an inward struggle. I get cranky, really cranky. I also get depressed, really depressed. Sometimes these feelings are seen by others, but I try to keep them to myself. Most of the time, only those close to me know when I’m struggling. I take 6 pills per day, just for Bipolar. SIX! I take those pills so I can lead a more normal life. I take them so I will not have this inner struggle 24 hours per day. I take them so that those close to me can handle my emotions and ups & downs with me. I do still struggle. Sometimes I get really cranky and anxious or depressed before it’s time for my next dose. Sometimes the medications don’t work at all and I have to take an extra dose. Sometimes I feel so bad that nothing works, except going to bed.

I lived for years without medication. I self medicated with drugs & alcohol, but once I got older and had responsibilities, things changed. I learned I need medication to feel better. I can’t stay stoned or drunk all the time. It took me a long time to get used to the pills and stop self medicating. Every now and then, I’ll skip a dose and drink a bottle of wine still to this day. I know it’s not good for me, but I have that inward struggle that tells me I’ll feel so much better. It does work. I do feel better, but only for the night. The next day or two, I have more problems than just a hangover. I’m depressed and cranky. I don’t feel like having fun or smiling. It’s not good for my emotions, but I do it anyways because it makes me feel better. For one night, all my feelings are gone. My attitude is better and nothing can upset me. Everyone loves me when I’m drunk.

If you have Bipolar, I encourage you to get on medication. Not everyone has to take 6 pills like I do, but even if you do, it’s worth it. Living a more normal life has its perks. You get to smile more often. Crying feels better. Your body feels better. The best part is when you see the shock on someone’s face when you tell them “I’m Bipolar.” Then you can laugh to yourself and ask that question. What does Bipolar look like?

I will trust in the Lord!

I have had health issues since I was 15 years old. I was put on medication for stomach ulcers & GERD. Then, I started having joint pain and I was put on Celebrex which helped, but I was allergic. I was also put on birth control due to horrible periods. All of this happened before I graduated High School!

Once I entered college, I started having bouts of anger & rage, then depression, then mania. I was all over the place. I got tested and diagnosed with Bipolar II. I started therapy & medications at that point, but I was never consistent with either. A few years went by before I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. This was very painful and it made my life harder than it already was. I ended up getting a hysterectomy when I was 26.

So to recap, I was 20 years old and I had GERD, Bipolar, joint pain & Endometriosis. I was devastated. Who is going to want to date me? I am broken!! I stopped going to church every Sunday like I used to. Eventually, I stopped going all together. I thought I could handle all of my problems by myself. I started drinking a lot and dating random men. I was living a destructive lifestyle, even turning to marijuana to ease my pain. Obviously none of this was going to “fix” me, but I believed it would.

When I was 24, I decided to turn my life around. I started attending church every Sunday again. I also started reading my Bible regularly for the first time in my life. Two years later, I met the man of my dreams. Three weeks later, we were engaged and 6 months later, we were married. Life was great!!

We started the journey of adoption a year and a half later and decided to foster to adopt. When Jacob came to our home, he was 3 months old and weighed 8 pounds. He was the smallest 3 month old I had ever seen, and he was also the most beautiful baby I had ever seen! We fell in love with him immediately and completely. It took us 19 months of ups & downs before he became a Carpenter, but it was one the best days of our lives!! We were a complete and happy family.

At age 30, I started having really bad neck pain. There would be days when I couldn’t even move it. I got massages monthly to help ease the pain, but it was unbearable at times. Then, my feet started to hurt and my hands started to swell. I started going to different Doctors to try and figure out what was wrong. I gained 50 pounds due to the pain, yet all of them said the pain was caused by my weight. They looked at the number on the scale and didn’t give my symptoms a second thought. I was so depressed that no one was willing to help me.

Finally a friend referred me to her Rheumatologist. The first time I saw him, he ordered x-rays and an MRI on my neck. Turns out, I had a bulging disc touching my spinal cord with degenerative & narrowing of the spine. No wonder I was in so much pain!! He sent me to a pain Dr. for injections, but they didn’t work. I finally had surgery to get rid of the bulging disc and sat at home in a neck brace for 6 weeks. After my recovery, I started having bad neck pain again. My doctor did another exam and diagnosed me with Psoriatic Arthritis.

The diagnosis of PsA hit me hard. I was OK until I started researching it and realized that since it is an autoimmune disease, it was only going to get worse. I was 31 and I was going to have this disease for the rest of my life…another stupid disease!! Once I started on my treatments I started to gain hope again. My Dr. assured me that he was going to “fix” me, or at the very least help my pain.

Nine months later, I still have a hard time walking or standing. I cannot work all day without a pain pill or two, and my vision fluctuates making it hard to drive. On the outside, my future looks hopeless. I look like I am destined for a life of pain and sickness. I have a handicapped license plate and my friends don’t invite to do anything anymore because I can’t do a whole lot besides sit around. On the inside, God is working on me. He is strengthening my heart and helping me learn to trust him more and more. It’s time to give him my life 100%!!

I love being a child of God, a wife and a mother. My life is complete and I’m not going to let sickness destroy me. I will have bad days, but if I keep my eyes on him, they will be less depressing. I will stop feeling helpless and start feeling hopeful. Yes I have a long way to go, but at least I’m moving in the right direction. Praise God!!